i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
