Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
