I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
