I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
