Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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