can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
