Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I feel great
I just peed on a car
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
