I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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