I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
