not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The ass gains better be worth it
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