I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
