Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
