Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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