wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
