Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
