I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
