Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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