he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
