you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
