i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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