you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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