Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
