Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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