Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
