I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
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No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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