I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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