i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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