If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
