My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
