i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
