Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
