oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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