and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
