Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
