My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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