If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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