Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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