so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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