She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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