grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
