First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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