I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
