i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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