I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
