My liver just broke up with me...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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