Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
