i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
