she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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