I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
