and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
