"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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