I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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