So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
