just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
