all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
