can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
