I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
